I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
