Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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