ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
