if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
