it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
