I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
