Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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