I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
