how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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