1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
