im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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