Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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