Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
