I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Randomize
