Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
