i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
