CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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