I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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