I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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