the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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