it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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