hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize