i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
