We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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