you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
