So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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