listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
