BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
