Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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