i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
