Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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