i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
