it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
