when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
