This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
