I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
