You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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