you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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