Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize