My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
