I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
