Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
