totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
