Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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