I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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