Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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