tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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