I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
