i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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