giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
