I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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