hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
