Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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