Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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