wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
