i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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