took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
