Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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