seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
