If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
