You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
