me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
