This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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