things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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