Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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